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Self-Care for the Parentified

2/22/2021

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"Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
--Psalm 61:1-2(KJV)


Many adults who experienced emotional or instrumental parentification as children carry invisible wounds and scarring from the trauma of their childhood experience.  The negative impact of this form of emotional abuse on a developing child's mental and emotional health and well being cannot be understated.  If you have experienced this form of abuse and have quietly carried the weight of your wounds, you are to be applauded for your resilience and desire to strive toward wholeness and healing.

Parentification, when a child takes on the role of an adult, is a particularly precarious form of abuse.  In its toxicity, it sends a developing child a destructive message, "Your needs are not important."  This is a falsehood with strident roots that are difficult, but not impossible to uproot.  Arriving at a level of understanding and acceptance that we, as human beings, all have innate needs and core longings is a start.  We need love, security, safety, protection, nurturing, and care. These are fundamental building blocks for our emotional well-being. They help us move seamlessly through stages of mental, physical, and emotional development and bring us to a place a maturity. However, when we grow up in a toxic environment in which roles are reversed and a child is forced to take on the role of a parent to meet the emotional needs of the other parent, the natural progression is interrupted.  The end result will be a child launched into a world of chaos, confusion, and an age inappropriate role.

As adults who may have parentified as children, how do we undo the effects of this form of abuse?  A good place to begin is by acknowledging our experience as well as our unmet needs.  Allowing ourselves to recall the anguish, the fear, the anger, the regret, the sadness and realizing that growing up in an emotionally abusive and traumatizing environment was not our fault.  An adult depending on a child to carry out adult roles and responsibilities is inappropriate and wrong.  This environment interrupts a child's normal developmental progression; leaving gaps, voids, and disruptions.  A child may be acutely aware that a boundary has been crossed and know something is "wrong" or "off", as his/her voice becomes inaudible or ignored in the ears of the adult.  Therefore, efforts to survive and navigate an unhealthy environment become maladaptive coping skills that prompt the child to live in proverbial isolation with ever evolving needs and longings going unmet and unexpressed.  These coping skills are often carried into adulthood creating greater challenges, because unmet needs do not go away--they simply remain unmet.

Once we have acknowledge our experience, it may be helpful to share our story with someone we trust.  Sharing our story in a nucleus of safety challenges us to step out of our comfort zone.  When we share our story or our "secret" of parentification we begin to move in the direction of wholeness and healing.  We are relational beings, created and sustained by relationships.  Communication, interaction, eye contact, laughter, and mutual sharing are all by God's design.  We were created to journey through life together (Genesis 2:18)

When we have been verbally or non-verbally conditioned to care for others and neglect, minimize, or ignore our own needs it may feel counterintuitive to even think about self-care, let alone exercise it.  If you grapple with feelings of guilt or anxiety for taking time out for you, it may be helpful to remind yourself that although this may not have been your childhood experience, it is okay to take care of oneself. Consider the account of Jesus in Mark 1:35, who even in the midst of ministry, healing, and caring for others valued and understood the importance of self-care. 

Give yourself permission to be kind to you.  Perhaps you are thinking, "Where do I begin?" or there may be some grappling with an internal dialogue such as, "How do I care for myself when I was not cared for?"  What does self-care even look like?  It may be helpful to envision what kindness and compassion looks like to you.  How do you demonstrate kindness to others?  Imagine yourself caring for yourself as if you were caring for someone else.  Is envisioning this level of care and consideration uncomfortable? Unsettling?  Anxiety or guilt provoking?  If so, that is okay and understandable.  Give yourself permission to acknowledge your feelings of discomfort.  Trust God with your heart and your feelings, realizing that his desire is for you to a live a full, vibrant, and abundant life (John 10:10)

​Self-care may seem intimidating w
hen we have been conditioned and trained to care for others.  Challenge yourself.  Take small steps.  Make treating yourself with kindness, care, and compassion a priority.  Here are some suggestions:
  • Share your story with God through contemplative prayer and personal reflection:  Recounting our stories may be painful, but when we run to the arms of our loving Father, he wraps us in his warmth, love, and compassion (Psalm 18:6).  There is healing to be found in bearing our wounds, brokenness, disappointment, fear, and anger before him in prayer (Psalm 69:16)
  • Journal: chronicling your experiences may be an effective form of self-expression.  It may also serve as a vehicle to articulate suppressed or minimized thoughts and feelings (Psalm 45:1)
  • ​Creative Arts:  Painting, drawing, music, dance, photography, etc. are all mediums of self-expression that are catalysts for movement in our journey (Psalm 147)
  • Purpose to be kind to yourself each day: Speak aloud positive, biblical affirmations to yourself each day (Job 22:28, Proverbs 18:22), get proper rest (Psalm 127:2), exercise and eat a well-balanced diet.  Treat yourself with the same level of care, kindness, and compassion that you would bestow upon someone else.  It is a spiritual discipline to practice these concepts daily, but in so doing our mindset changes and we make strides towards total wellness and healing.
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Prayer:

Father, in the name of Jesus, I confess that I was a parentified child.  I acknowledge my sorrow and brokenness before you.  I turn to you for help, guidance, and deliverance.  I pray that you would heal the wounds of my heart.  Lift the burden and the weight of caring for others at the expense of myself.  I receive your love, your compassion, your care, and your kindness.  I pray for the grace to render self-care.  Undo erroneous thinking.  Reestablish boundaries that have been crossed.  I pray for an outpouring of your joy and peace in my life.  Amen


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Building Resilience

2/4/2021

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Research in neuroscience indicates that we can build resilience (the ability to bounce back or recover from hardships and difficulties) in our brain.  Science also indicates that we have a bent toward negative thinking and negativity (negativity bias) when faced with difficulties, obstacles, and challenges in life.  So, how do we reconcile the two? The Bible speaks to this perpetual and ongoing internal conflict (Romans 7:15-23) and encourages us to side against ourselves and pessimism as we allow the word of God to steer us in the direction of positivity, hope, and optimism in our journey.  This is the cornerstone of faith; the unwavering belief that even in the face of adversity, we believe that we will triumph through it.  It is the belief that the difficulty will soon be in our rearview mirror as we travel forward and make inroads in the journey of life. It is the bold and audacious move to envision ourselves on the other side of the presenting problem.

Each of our stories is deeply personal as we all have different traumatic experiences and hardships.  However, we are all given the same opportunity to choose resilience. Although trials of life are inevitable, anchoring our faith in the truth that all things are working together for good and that there will be beauty for ashes is a volitional decision each believer has the opportunity to make.  And, the understanding that in the midst of unspeakable hardships and turmoil, we are not alone as Jesus promises to never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  Even in the darkest, most abysmal places, He is with us (Psalm 23).  Not only is He with us, He is ever mindful of our emotional state.  He knows our fears, anxieties, and worries--even those we cannot articulate or feel uncomfortable uttering.  As such, he does not leave us in a place of deficit.  He endows us with his peace that passes all understanding, blesses us with comfort, grace, and strength thereby enabling us to embrace our capacity for victory and believe that it is within reach.  We are called to thrive and the ability to do so lies in our willful decision to believe that thriving is attainable, no matter what the circumstances may be when we courageously opt to take a 1000-volt risk and view the challenges of life through the lens of the Spirit.


Biblical Ways to Build Resilience
  1. Develop a personal relationship with God through regular contemplative prayer, praise, worship, and study/meditation on His word (James 4:8).  This is the key pillar to living a life of joy, peace, satisfaction, and resilience.  By cultivating a personal relationship with God we learn more about him and in turn more about ourselves.
  2. Purpose to be a person of hope, making the volitional decision to pursue resilience over despair (Lamentations 3:21-23).
  3. Decide to be an overcomer (Romans 8:37).  In life we will experience hardships, struggles, and difficult times, but we have the ability to overcome through the power of Christ in endowed in each of us.
  4. Keep things in perspective.  Nothing is impossible or too hard for God.  In him, we find solutions, gain wisdom and understanding, and develop the divine ability to view challenges through the lens of faith (Jeremiah 32:27).
  5. Take time to laugh and find enjoyment in life. Savor these times, be mindful of them (Proverbs 17:22)
  6. Surround yourself with positive people (Psalm 133).  It is no secret that toxic people  can be emotionally draining.  Pessimism and negativity do not foster an atmosphere of faith, hope, peace, or joy.  
  7. Keep moving forward.  Set realistic goals and move toward them (Philippians 4:13)
  8. Have a forward focus.  God has given us a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11)
  9. Be deliberate and unapologetic about practicing self-care (Mark 1:35).  Even as Jesus ministered, taught, and healed multitudes of people He took time to find a "solitary place".  This was important and valuable to Him.  We can glean from His example.
  10. Cultivate mutually satisfying relationships with others--accept help from others and offer assistance to others (Hebrews 10:24-25)
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    I am a wife, mother, and Christian counselor who believes that God can heal and restore our broken hearts and put us on the road to wholeness, purpose, and productivity in our lives when we follow and trust his "GPS".

               2022 abrokenheartsgps.org.   856-473-5937    "Finding our way--through God's love."
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